I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
