I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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