how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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