If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
