so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
