My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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