What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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