When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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