Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
