got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize