It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
