I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
