Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
