glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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