is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
