It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
