brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
