do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
