i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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