perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
