Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
These tits shall not be calmed
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
