I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
