Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
