I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i think my cat just said my name.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
