I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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