Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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