Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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