my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
