During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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