just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
