Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize