I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
