Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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