Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
