me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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