I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
