I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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