Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
