i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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