i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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