I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
