She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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