I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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