I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
