mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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