You can't special order awesome
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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