i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
