hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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