My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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