More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
