if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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