Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
