I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
