At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
