my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
