I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
