guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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