They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
