Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
