Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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