Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
