we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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